Now you've done it!

You've obviously clicked on a link that doesn't work. Grazing the internet does require a certain amount of common sense, you know. The Internet Gods, in their infinite wisdom, created the 404 error especially for people like you. And now you've invoked it. Sigh . . . .

Because you obviously need all the help you can get, here is a detailed explanation of the situation you've created.

You may not have pressed the keys firmly enough or clicked the mouse buttons hard enough. Hitting the keyboard harder has now been proven to make the Internet work faster. In fact, you may have reached this error page because you were not typing firmly enough. This is also the case with mouse buttons. New biofeedback technology incorporated into Windows XP and Vista ensures that those who hit hardest get the best responses. Try these simple steps:

Click the Refresh button really hard. Click it several times with varying degrees of intensity. Let us know which click pressure gives optimum results.

If you typed the address in the address bar, type it again but press each key much harder.

Click the Back button firmly (with a slight counter-clockwise twist) to try another link.

OR you could click here to go to our website home page and try your quest again.

Because we are deeply committed to improving your Internet experience, here are some other tips and tricks we've gleaned after countless hours of on-line research:

• If Internet response is slow, repeatedly clicking on the same button or link signals the Internet routers to give priority to your request.
• Internet performance can be improved by issuing the verbal command 'Come on, come on' to your monitor. Sophisticated sound equipment in your PC will respond to many phrases, including some mild profanity.
• Rapid side-to-side movement of your mouse, followed by four sharp raps on your desk is known to cause Windows to re-prioritize your Internet session and allocate more CPU cycles to hardware response functions.
• If you are trying to reach a secure site, make sure you wiggle your network cable where it plugs into your PC.
• If you have a flat screen monitor, don't forget to press the screen until it distorts the image and leaves a grey 'flare' and a greasy fingerprint on the display.
• With a CRT monitor, a winding motion with your hand to the side of the monitor increases your PC's bus speed by 10%, as does knocking on the glass and calling out "Hello?''.
• Bullet holes in your computer case allow better airflow to the processor. Not many tech support people will tell you this.
• Never use the load button to close your CD or DVD drive.  Pushing the tray in by hand overrides the rev limiter & increases read performance by 25%.  Also, the more 'drive not ready' messages you get, the better, so keep on hitting 'retry' really hard.
• A used ping-pong paddle is ideal for performing percussive maintenance tasks on your computer.

If you continue to have problems, contact your PC's manufacturer or Microsoft Technical Support. They will ask for details of your configuration, the exact sequence of events leading to the problem, and the status of your software licenses.  They will then consult their extensive knowledgebase systems and fault-finding dialogues before telling you to re-boot and try again.

Please note that some of these techniques also work on everyday objects.  Just think how pressing the TV remote buttons hard overcomes weak batteries, and how frantically stabbing C/CE on your calculator stops it from repeating a mistake for the third time.  And of course we all learn at an early age how to prioritize the Walk/Don't Walk signs at intersections . . .